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Extraordinary Supergoddess
25 April 2012 @ 10:16 pm
In about two weeks, I'm putting on a gap and gown and getting and overpriced piece of paper saying I am part of the 36%.

I've liked undergrad. I've liked having random stretches of hours to kill during the day and evening with friends over crap food, the feeling of accomplishment when you are done with a class or got the A, the pure joy of reading criticism AND UNDERSTANDING IT. Even though I spent half of my time in undergrad at community college, I like my undergrad experience.

But as days and hours tick by, I come to terms with the fact that I will not miss undergrad. I hate that MY ENTIRE GRADE rests on so few points. I hate the lack of funds. I hate the stress that academia gives you and the frustration when EVERYONE gets it and you don't. I hate the discussions of whose major is harder and who works more and who sleeps less. What people don't realize is that undergrad is more then free time to watch soaps with your friends and consume alcohol with a safety net. As one person said to me: "I've never worked this hard or partied this hard." People overemphasize the latter and forget the former.

As soon as finals start I will start looking for a job. For the first time in 15 years, my life will be unstructured until I find the job, and I don't know how long that will take. I am terrified. I am nervous. I am not excited. 

I remember graduating in 2007 and feeling that all would be well and my immediate future would be as in place as my distant future.

It's 2012 now. My distant future has changed but I think it will be fine. My immediate future is uncertain. I learned a HARD lesson about putting all my eggs into one basket. Maybe this time the eggs will be more spread out. 
Extraordinary Supergoddess
17 February 2012 @ 09:12 pm
Don't worry folks, I am around.
Extraordinary Supergoddess
13 October 2011 @ 10:24 pm
My ability to make friends and my faith in mankind.
What are you skeptical about? (religion, ghosts, Toddlers and Tiaras, etc.)

Extraordinary Supergoddess
30 September 2011 @ 11:53 am
Happy birthday, Elie Wiesel. 
Extraordinary Supergoddess
25 September 2011 @ 07:01 pm
I think I am done with Chicago. I gotta leave, otherwise I'd go nuts.

It's not just the weather. I have learned how to deal with cold, with wind, with snow that hits the city out of nowhere for no good reason. The weather is not the reason I need to leave.

It's the lack of social life beyond bars; another life must exist, but as an older college student, I am not privy to, even though I am the target audience. It's the fact that it is too expansive for any good reason. It's the intellectual scene that overrelies on theater for severe shortcomings in other departments. It's the fact that the sports team suck with that special kind of suck: they do so well to a point, until there is a crucial moment, where it ends badly and the fans dejected, go get drunk and say until next year. It's the fact that it takes forever to get any positive change done anywehre within 30 mile radius of this city. It's the severe segregation and the close mindness of the residents; the fact that I get on the redline at Garfield and the passengers are one color that changes by the time the train goes to Chicago that changes by the time the train arrives at Howard. It's the fact that the city is covered in gray. It's the fact that it's so hard to find good food. It's the mindset of the residents; that this is the greatest city because it just is and I've never ventured past the Dells because there is no reason; I feel that mindset seep into me and I have to get rid of it and I have to leave.  
Extraordinary Supergoddess
11 September 2011 @ 07:58 pm
Where were you?
I'll bite: what I rememebr is that I don't remember much of the day. I was in seventh grade, and I know I was at school, went through my day, went to classes and listened to the best of my ability, ate lunch with my ftriends (although I have no idea what we were talking about, if we even knew something was going on), but because I had only then spent a year in the US, my English was not perfect yet, so if something happened, it went over my head. 

I remember being at science class (my last class of the day) when the principle came on the loudspeaker and said that there had been a terroirist attack. Maybe not these words. I remember the teacher looking worried and one kid saying something that he knew something happened, but no one could articulate what happened.

I don't remember what happened afterwords; only that I came home and the TV was full of news and the Russian radio was on translating what happened and SOMETHING was happening; it seemed unreal.

What people liked to forget about me is that I spent 9 years in Israel; a country in which young children and given gas masks JUSTINCASEGODFORBID CHASVECHALILAH TFOO TFOO TFOO and every neighberhood has a shelter (and apartment buldings have saftey rooms), so terror acts were, to me, a fact like blue sky and books. The next few days passed over in confusion of things I was not really understanding along with the world (why?) and with myself (why are they responding like that).

9/11 shaped my view of Americans more then anything else in my life, before or after, and I think that if 9/11 didn't happen, my perception would be very diffrenet. 
Extraordinary Supergoddess
14 August 2011 @ 08:14 pm
 And I am home. Surprisingly sad about camp ending. 
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Extraordinary Supergoddess
23 July 2011 @ 11:22 am
Am on my day off from camp, so I finally gathered up the courage and escaped. On the plan for today, a certain movie that has the final installment out now and maybe some light shopping.
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Extraordinary Supergoddess
05 June 2011 @ 05:35 pm
Rome is amazing and dirty and grafittied and beautiful and ancient and new and breathtaking and historical and delicious and sweaty and bright and confusing and loud and quiet and I want to go back.

Any questions? 
Noise: Grace Potter "Something That I Want"
Extraordinary Supergoddess
21 May 2011 @ 08:34 am
Going to Rome might be up there. I am a nervous wreck.

But I'll take a lot of pictures! 
Feeling: nervousnervous
Noise: Adele "Rolling in the Deep"
Extraordinary Supergoddess
Fear not. I have not dropped out of college; instead, I am going to go back to the school of arts and sciences and get a bachelor's in English. This also means that instead of graduating in two years I will try to graduate in one year. After that, grad school. So my life plan is changing.

The obvious question is why did I drop out? Plainly put, I was miserable. The workload was worse then I expected, I would've rather had my wisdom teeth removed then do the assignments, and I couldn't see myself teaching high school the long run anyway. I always wanted to teach community college; but because that requires a master's degree I never really gave much thought to what I wanted to do during undergrad; I also thought that teaching high school would be good practice. But I have found out that I cannot teach high school; the things I want to do in a classroom wouldn't fly in a high school, where administration, state, and parents are involved, and you often have to teach reluctant students. It used to be that you graduated, got certified, and they sent you into the classroom right away; now, it is not so certain. The competitive aspect of teaching is also there; there are too many qualified, fantastic teachers who cannot find a good job. I know, I know; graduating with a bachelor's degree in English is not a sure bet anymore; but, grad school is always around the corner. My plan would be to start looking at GRE test prep and research grad schools; as someone pointed out yesterday, I need to leave Chicago and be an adult.

The nice thing that I figured out (with the help of some people) early, so the damage is minimal. The sad thing is that I will miss the people I have met.  
Noise: Duck Soup "Barbra Striesand"
Extraordinary Supergoddess
07 April 2011 @ 01:25 pm
If you arrived at your front door and saw your first love standing there, what would you do or say?

Thank the gods you are here, I've been waiting for you.
Extraordinary Supergoddess
08 March 2011 @ 08:12 pm
I am fresh from a new episode of Glee. All I can say is that the Brittany/Santana scenes really hit me.

Realizing your feelings for someone, putting yourself out there, and getting turned down?

Universal themes, regardless of gender identification or sexual identity. 
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Feeling: giddygiddy
Extraordinary Supergoddess
08 February 2011 @ 01:13 pm
What would be your first purchase if you won the lottery?

Paying off undergrad loans and getting set for grad school.

I'm so practical.
Extraordinary Supergoddess
30 December 2010 @ 10:34 pm
 I will be out of town (Miami bish) from January 2nd- 9th. 

Hopefully I'll come back with some color and some perspective to how lucky I am.
Extraordinary Supergoddess
20 December 2010 @ 10:31 pm

 Usually I'd wait until the very end of the year. But we are ten days away the end, and I figure why not do a review now?

I was in a different place lat year at this time. I was stuck in a dead end relationship, a cloudy future, and uncertainty. I felt very stuck in my life. I was trying to figure out my future and what I want from my life and who I want in my life.

The funny thing is, I applied to Loyola at the end of January. And I waited. And waited. I obsessed over my application, my essay, my recommendations. I was supposed to have done that at 17, instead, like usual, I was behind the curve and the trend. I did the university thing at 20. The next two months were hell. My mom psyched me up so much that I wasn't going to get in. I made a plan b, c, d. And I was a nervous wreck. I filed out the FAFSA, putting down three schools who would get my financial information. I was freaking out. My future was cloudy.

I didn't get an acceptance letter. I got a more information is needed before we give you financial aid letter. I was weired out. I was told by a girl at the financial aid office I got in. I was elated. Of course, my parents killed it with their usual how much does this cost speech. It seemed like this year my parents didn't get me.

I finished my last semester at community college happy I was getting out. The world had grown too small and too large.

The summer was spent waiting for things to happen and for things to fall into the right place.

Fall semester was a rush. It was like diving in head first into water, and that terrifiying silence of finishing a performance and waiting for the reaction. I became the person I've always wanted to be; strong and able to voice her emotions beyond tantrums. 

I am relieved 2010 is over. This year tested me and asked me questions and demanded things. For 2011, I have a service trip to Miami (chances are I am going) and Rome is coming up soon. My GPA is not in a danger of getting me kicked off. I am at a good place. So instead of looking next year as an emotional rut, next year I will grow and change and become who I've always wanted to be.
Extraordinary Supergoddess
20 October 2010 @ 02:54 pm
I am going to Rome on May 22ND, 2011!

Or rather, I got the email telling me that they got my application and are processing the check.

As long as I have a 2.75 GPA I am going to Rome. ROME. ROME! ROMA! The birthplace of food and art and drink and architecture and beauty.

Yes, I am a big fangirl of Rome.

That said: why is the cheapest flight I can find costs 938$? I forgot what it's like to go from one side of the world to another.
Feeling: happyhappy
Noise: "Dog Days Are Over" Florence and the Machine
Extraordinary Supergoddess
30 August 2010 @ 06:35 pm
 I feel like I'm about to upchuck. It was bad enough when I went to Sullivan to look for my Upass and fear hit me like a bullet, but right now, I am teetering between panic and excitement.

I have been in more schools then both my parents and my aunt combined. (for the interested: mom stayed in one school, dad switched between two, aunt switched between two). If there's one thing that Maria knows how to do, is how to survive the first day. Of course, my mom's little pep talk hasn't helped much either; I am freaking out but not freaking out. Tomorrow will be a BIG day.

I keep on thinking about how atypical my experience was. My community college stressed very often that the idea of the traditional college experience is actually a minority; the students who go away to college and live in the dorms for four years is a small group. I spent three years in a community college that took m 15 minutes (on public transportation) to get to. My new university? Wait for a bus and ride the L for four stops then get off; a commute of about 45 minutes, maybe even less once I figure out how long I'd wait for the bus. 

There's no point to live on campus when I am this close; plus, as an upperclassmen, it's ridiculous to live on campus, and I cannot afford to move out of the house. It saddens me that since I live in the suburbs the last bus would leave at 10:30; I could take the L line that gets me to my suburb but I'd still have to wait for mom to pick me up. Hence, less opportunities for socialization and meeting all the other crazies that want to teach high school kids. I don't want to spend the next two years feeling out of the social loop. I want to make friends beyond all the people that I went to state mandated school with. 

Interesting fact: the only school that I stayed with from beginning to end was middle school. 

I was supposed to veg out and watch the first season of Gossip Girl on the laptop after running errands with my boyfriend today; instead, I will wonder for the umpteenth time just what the hell am I doing with my life.
Extraordinary Supergoddess
05 August 2010 @ 08:53 pm
Like many women,  I spend a good portion of my time and energy dealing with my hair. For the most part the problem was how thick it is (I have broken hair bands) and how long it is (boyfriend ends up on hair during intimate moments). 

Lately, my hair has decided to grow up and rebel in front of my eyes. What is the result? My hair has gone Medusa on me, then the ponytail began thinning out, large clumps of hair began falling out at an alarming rate, complete with an odd shiny oil look to it. I had to say to myself that I had to rescue my hair before classes start. So today I bit down my worries and went to the hairdresser. I told her 4 inches. I take off my glasses and sit down in the chair. She cuts off a chunk, shows it to me, I say yes, forgetting that everything is fuzzy when I take off my glasses. So the hairdresser finishes the hair, gives me the bill, and I put on the glasses and look at myself. IT'S SO SHORT!

The trim was needed- I had visible split ends and the last major hair trim was in March. My ponytail is still feeling thin and the texture is still feeling off, but I'm confident that by the start of classes my hair will behave and return to it's normal state. 

I'm such a cock eyed optimist.
Noise: Britney Spears Toxic remix
Extraordinary Supergoddess
31 July 2010 @ 07:50 pm
 I've been a fool. Where did it go wrong? 12th grade? 9th grade? 6th grade? Before? 

I bought into the American Dream hook line and sinker. That if you follow the rules and work hard and do your very best and make the right choices in life and be a good person you will have everything fall into the right place. You will go to the college that will fit you like a glove, find a fulfilling job that will have you changing the world everyday, find a handsome man who will treat you like a princess, and have beautiful well behaved children and live in a large mansion. 

Instead, I am plagued with doubt and insecurity and indecisiveness. I had been lulled into a sense of false security by promises of scholarships and loans and money thrown at me left and right just for being me and attending the school I want to go. I followed bizarre rules and arcane laws and always listened to authority figures and lived an unremarkable life and never attended debauched Skins style teen parties. I don't drink or drug or smoke or prostitute myself. I worked and tried to do whats right. 

Then why do I feel so wretched? Why do I feel burnt out? Why do I feel like a failure?  The relentless cheerleader in my head left the suffocating confines; I have a month to create a miracle out of thin air and fork over thousands of dollars without knowing what the return on this investment is? I barely have a source of income and I sometimes just wish that I would've fought harder to stay in Israel because I would have had to figure out how to raise 8 grand out of nowhere. I just feel like crap. I feel like at the ripe old age of 21 I have dead ended in my life. That I am a sad sorry excuse for a human being. I was so full of promise and hope and PLANS. I know it's pretentious and foolish of a 21 year old, but I could've been a contender!

Instead I'm just a self pitying knock off.